THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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