I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
