Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
