Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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