really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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