I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
