dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Girls should come with a carfax report
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
