I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
