Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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