Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
