when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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