i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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