Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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