My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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