i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
