She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
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Sober January is a disaster.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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