saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
