We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
