she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
