It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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