omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
sex in a hospital.. check
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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