Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
