i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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