i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
