So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
