So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
