Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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