so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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