think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
