Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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