Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
