Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
