I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
