You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
