We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
