thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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