this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
