If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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