Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
