You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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