Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
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I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
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Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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