the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
