I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
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My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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