I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
