you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
