this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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