I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
