Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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