Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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