I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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