ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
So here I am, sexting at work.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
