omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
