my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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