ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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