the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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