the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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