i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
