He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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