when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
