i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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