She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
PANTIES FOUND
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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