wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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